Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
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NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!