Delightful if true: booby trap.
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The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
my retirement plan is braless
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Catercrombie & Fish
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes