Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
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Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.