[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
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I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…