Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
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Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.