I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
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While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me