“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
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[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.