In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
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I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.