Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
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“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*