*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
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The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”