You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
You Might Also Like
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix