Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
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Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.