Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
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Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Customer is always right
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.