Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
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Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*