A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
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My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale