My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
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Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Jesus Christ lmao
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.