Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
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The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
My birth announcement for our third baby
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota