Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
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i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.