Truth
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“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.