Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
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his wife is probably gonna see that
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Actually cracking up @ this
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.