Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
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Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low