[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
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“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
scared to check what name she chose
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
they split up moments later