The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
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If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
(more comics:
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
My kitchen overserved me.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.