Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
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The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.