I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
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It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”