Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
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Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Ok but actually
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Moms. The original autocorrect.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Eat…
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”