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Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
My patronus is a cheeseburger
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.