Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
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[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
the #horror is real!
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”