“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
You Might Also Like
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
when someone rings the doorbell
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
#DesignFail
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.