Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
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You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
all that yoga finally paid off
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Meanwhile in Canada…
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
True
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?