Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
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If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
so i’m at the stock market right
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
In banana years, I am bread.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!