witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
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That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Every work call, he judges.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn