interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
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people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I’m calling the cops.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Hamburger Hinderer.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
i could never be president. im overqualified.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.