Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
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[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Just a reminder, folks:
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches