A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
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Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.