My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
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My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.