The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
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A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Well, that should do it
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.