[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
You Might Also Like
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Air conditioning – not a fan
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”