The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
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“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.