I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
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Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.