[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
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My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.