Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
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I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Last-minute gift idea!
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.