On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
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They should invent clothes that get fat with you
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again