what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
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Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
“No way.” -Jose
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.