The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
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me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
A family that plays together cheats.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?