The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
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I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.