[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
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Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
They must have gotten it to go.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.