It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
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[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.