Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
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The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.