Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
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My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.